Month: August 2002

I’m not a stupid person, I am in fact fairly smart. I’m usually pretty self-critical and sometimes perhaps too much. I’m pretty sure that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. However there in lies the problem. There are three as I see them, and they are all things I feel I am missing: Motivation. Will Power. Self Discipline.

Motivation I use to have, about 2 years ago I had it in spades and man did it work out for me. I learnt so much and I built on that knowledge even more so. It lasted about a year. It was slowly but surely shown to me that it didn’t actually mean anything and I was wasting my time. That sounds pretty bad I know, but that’s how it was. I’ve never managed to get that motivation back. I’m in a position now where I’m at the holy grail of knowledge which I had been searching for back then and these days it is just a case of oh great, yeah we could do something with that. It is kinda depressing when I think of it like that. Eighteen months ago I use to just sit down and build something because I wanted to see if I could. These days its just blah blah blah. I hate that.

I’ve only ever really been under serious pressure working for this company, for a project about eighteen months ago again. It was tough and it took a lot of effort but in the end I delivered on it. I wish I felt like that again. That if I had to do something I could just go and do it. Now to contradict myself, if I was asked or told to go and do something, I know I could go and do it, but I don’t necessarily believe I could go and do it. Does that make sense? Because there is a line there, they are different things.

Still at least I am aware of them and that is half the battle.

***

Work is stressful at the moment. There is a hell of a lot going on. I’m getting fed up of arguing about things, no scrap that. I am fed up of arguing. It’s all so pointless and it annoys and depresses me. I keep thinking its not worth it, don’t bother mentioning it, no-one is going to fix it. But then I see the problem and its worse than before or it just looks really bad and I go back to thinking fuck it, someone has to say something. There was a pretty bad error today, and something that could have offended people and you know what, they did actually fix it. So it is a little proof that I’m not banging my head against a wall 100% of the time, just 99%.

Today was my first link to Metafilter, check it out here. I’m sure you could have guessed the subject.

In other notes, my google-fu is failing me, anyone know the origin of the phrase “poised on the brink of greatness”?

NO. I still don’t know when I’m going. Yes I am annoyed about this. Yes I think the trip will still happen. No I am not certain about that.

I had a friend was a big baseball player
back in high school
He could throw that speedball by you
Make you look like a fool boy
Saw him the other night at this roadside bar
I was walking in, he was walking out
We went back inside sat down had a few drinks
but all he kept talking about was

Chorus:
Glory days well they’ll pass you by
Glory days in the wink of a young girl’s eye
Glory days, glory days

Well there’s a girl that lives up the block
back in school she could turn all the boy’s heads
Sometimes on a Friday I’ll stop by
and have a few drinks after she put her kids to bed
Her and her husband Bobby well they split up
I guess it’s two years gone by now
We just sit around talking about the old times,
she says when she feels like crying
she starts laughing thinking about

Chorus

Now I think I’m going down to the well tonight
and I’m going to drink till I get my fill
And I hope when I get old I don’t sit around thinking about it
but I probably will
Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture
a little of the glory of, well time slips away
and leaves you with nothing mister but
boring stories of glory days

Chorus (repeat twice)

A bit of a Springsteen kick going on at the moment so….

I do not sit down at my desk to put into verse something that is already clear in my mind. If it were clear in my mind, I should have no incentive or need to write about it…. We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.

-C. Day Lewis (1904 – 1972) The Poetic Image

I can’t view source in IE. It appears to be completly and utterly fucked. This if of course while I am trying to do some work on this blog and its just not fucking helping *sigh*

The tv remote is missing. It does not appear to be just misplaced. I have searched the entire room and I can’t find it. It is annoying me.

It is raining pretty heavily right now, which would be fine except for the fact I have to go and return a couple of movies and hit the shops. The smell and the feeling of the air is lovely though. It all just feels so fresh. If it lightens off a bit I’ll go and do some stuff shortly.

Whoo hoo. I am a paranoid schizotypal schizoid antisocial narcisstic avoidant obsessive-compulsive but I am not borderline or dependent!
Just going to prove that the interwebnet is always right, especially any tests it may have for you like the one I just did: Personality Disorder Test

🙂

You know that single something that just makes you watch a train wreck or look at a car crash in passing? Well last night, I watched Batman Forever. I can’t understand how anyone would approve that script to be made as a movie. I finished reading that New X-Men this morning and quite enjoyed it. It was good fun. Looking forward to the next collection.

Met up with Pat via a quick trip to the comic shop (a new New X-Men by Morrison is out so I have some reading for later) and then we went to see Men in Black II. It was not bad by any means. It was quite funny in places and the relationship between J and K worked really well as indeed did Zed and Frank. I could have done without the worms, they were funny in the first one and trying to capitalise on that didn’t work out all that well. It is certainly not as enjoyable a movie as the first one was but enjoyable nonetheless. Johnny Knoxville in there was certainly not expected and worked pretty well as did a cameo by Michael Jackson.

BlogTree.com the blog genealogy site. I like this idea a lot. I’d have to list Iain and Meg if I was going to list. But seen as they both get lots of people from work reading I won’t be listing myself 😉 Anyway it is all their faults!