Motivation is hard to create on your own. I don’t think I could be self employed or anything like that.

I just typed that out and then I deleted it and retyped it. Its not true, well its not always true. Sometimes motivation is damn easy to create on your own, maybe not create but certainly build up. There has to be some sort of a result to work towards even if its just personal satisfaction. The problem now is that is there isn’t anything to work towards and it’s impossible to create motivation. There has to actually be something to do for a set amount of time every day but right now there isn’t. There isn’t even something to last for a few hours.

I was thinking last night, that I would love to be able to come into the office and actually try and be happy and be productive here, it would do me the world of good but there just isn’t the opportunity. I have nothing to focus on to drive me. I’m not cut out to just pick up a book and learn without there being something to do with the knowledge and that’s what is killing me. I have so much time that I could use to learn something. I have the tools, I have the books, I have so many smart people around me who I can ask anything but unless I have a deliverable and some sort of a deadline, I just don’t have it in me.

I use to, and to a degree I resent this place for beating it out of me. It takes two to tango of course, I recognise that and I’m guilty but not to the same degree.

On the good news front, it only took one email to HR to remind them that I started working for the company back in Dublin in ’99 (so long ago, it’s scary) and that as such I qualify for the 5 year party next month. Apologies and an invite arrived within hours so that’s good. Looks like its getting a good amount of effort put into it. The new HR director seems to be a breath of fresh air.

That’s actually something there has been a lot of here in recent weeks and it’s helping me get through the day a lot. Something has to and I have a lot of memories of broken promises about how things will change but this time, for once the cynic in me isn’t as loud. I think this could really work.

If it doesn’t, well I don’t know what to do then. Anytime I think about leaving, I remember how easy I have it here. I’m very well paid and when I actually get to do my job I’m good at it. I work with good people and I do sometimes have a chance to learn and develop. It just needs follow through, that’s the big problem. I’ve been on some good courses, some useful to me and some that I managed to blag but none of them have helped in the long run because I don’t get to actually use and build on what I learn. It annoys me a whole lot. A few years ago I could learn for the sake of learning and I could do it myself, I don’t seem to be able to do that anymore.

I felt like writing, so I opened up this window. I didn’t think I had anything to write about, but there ya go.

Yesterday wasn’t so bad. Had a quick drink and a catchup after work and then headed home. Very happy to find the third season of Oz waiting for me and I watched the first 3 episodes of that. Its good stuff, looking forward to watching some more tonight. There was an interesting IM conversation covering a whole lot spread over a couple of these episodes too.

Wearing your heart on your sleeve is an interesting phrase. I like it.

Dara O Briain is a fairly famous (in Ireland anyway) Irish comedian. He was one of the announcer for the St. Pat’s festival on Sunday. I’m not a huge fan but he had to make a couple of jokes of course and what better topic than religion. There was one I like alot so I’m going to steal it and put it up here. He was talking about Catholic Ireland and how you just can’t get away from it. Everyone is born Catholic and you can’t just tear up a membership card or the like and leave it all behind. So the lines went.

Back in the Irish census last year, there was an option for all the atheists among you in the Religion category. “Ethnically Catholic” and it means I’m Irish, I don’t believe in god, but I still fucking hate Rangers.

It made me laugh and I doubt many of you will get it but it made me laugh a whole lot.

It did strike me off thinking about the whole religion thing again and how it was just like that forced upon me and indeed the rest of my family from a young age. I’ve touched on it before and it’s interesting how the little things that perhaps you don’t realise nevermind understand when you are a little kid make perfect sense when you are old enough to realise and ask the questions.

Actually that reminds me of a good example and a story which has nothing to do with that aspect and at the same time has everything to do with it.

I wrote about the IM conversation I had with my sister, Mairead, yesterday morning about her meeting an old classmate of mine in Tokyo. Well sometime later in the morning my dad rang for a chat before he headed off on business for a few days. I was telling him this story and I said I was surprised that the fella had recognised my sister. Having last seen her when she was 15, that would be 7 years ago. And my dad laughed at me and said you’ve changed a bit but your sister hasn’t. It’s the hair. Thinking about this it made perfect sense. Later that afternoon, I was talking to my mother over IM and she was telling me this same story. I expressed the same surprise to her that he had recognised Mairead and she said the exact same thing, the hair. It amused me slightly to hear my parents say the exact same thing un-prompted. Guess that’s one of the reasons they got together or something you learn over so long. And it’s just struck me, they’ve been married 30 years this year.

Fucking hell.