I don’t know what I want this to be anymore. I’m not even sure I still want it to be. I had intended to bring it back up sometime over the weekend with a few changes but I’m just not sure anymore. I guess it’ll come back in someway because I enjoy the typing but I think there’ll be a few things different.

One of the big things is that I can’t update when I feel like it anymore. When I get the urge to type in work, I’m too busy to really sit at it these days and I’m just not setup the way I want at home to get going. I really need a laptop, I’m strongly thinking about spending four or five hundred quid on a pure word processor within the next pay pack or so. Such greater freedom to type, and to type from anywhere would help me a whole lot.

It’s been a hell of a few weeks. Every single part of it has been a rollercoaster. There have been ups and downs and twists and turns in every single aspect of my life. There is still quite a bit up in the air and I while I think I know how some of it will land, other parts I have not got a fucking clue.

If I had any clue about what would have happened, in anyway, I’d have re-ordered a few things.

Sometimes, I hate looking after Hebe. I have no problem with her, most of my issues with dogs are now long gone, living with one kinda changes that. But what I hate is glimpse into the burden that I think she must carry. The pure and complete loneliness. She sits by the door waiting for Alex to come home and you can almost see the heartbreak when Alex doesn’t walk through the door. The pure joy that 30 seconds attention brings to her can only, I imagine, contrast so starkly with the rest of the day. While at times I do envy her simple life, most of the time I dread it.

There is an old proverb; “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”. Sometimes I disagree with it completely. After all when the bird in your hand has flown away, the two in the bush will be still sitting there. I’m not quite sure how that all makes sense but it struck me while I was walking and it covers what I’m thinking.

Tonight was meant to be a night out at R.E.M., now it’s on next Saturday. Tomorrow is Sigur Ros which I should be excited about but right now I just feel bleary and I want to head to bed, find a good book and listen to some Dylan for a while. So I am just going to do that.

Normal serivce at some stage.