So it’s been a long time coming. I wasn’t able to sleep tonight so I thought I would go back on the electric interwebnet and sort out some stuff.
It’s a little strange. I’m in such a different place than I was back then and I shudder when thinking about it mostly. But then again it was also a great thing, a really great thing. A lot of people who are important to me came about because of this.
Toronto was a fucking blast my friends. Things like that don’t happen too often and it is a damn shame. I’m always going to have fond memories of that trip.
That email by the way took me 90 minutes to get to the stage I was ready to send it. That’s a whole lot of time for a few short paragraphs but I wanted to try and get it right, I owed it to a few people. I’m just sorry so many are gone without getting it. No-one but me to blame for that.
I could play the blame game, and it is tempting. I’m pissed off that it happened like this. The last time I saw Rich was sitting in his front room drinking and smoking. After that I think I had one voicemail and maybe two emails. That was 3 years ago. I remember being mad as hell and a little embarrassed at times but ya know fuck it, I suspect I was as much to blame as anyone else…and drop the suspect part. I get it.
That really was a whole other life. The events in Dublin which lead to it all kicking off were such a big part of my life. These days they are a minor footnote in history. I suspect I’ll be doing memory lane this coming weekend, I’ve got at least one person to talk into having coffee with me. I’m hoping I can work that one out but she may be a few counties away, I just don’t know.
Sometimes I think of those times and I want to go back. They seemed so simple and yet so complicated. In the world which I live in now, they were nothing. Silly childhood dreams no, dreams isn’t the right word distractions maybe?
I do know what brought all this on tonight and I’ll tell you cause I’m in the mood to tell you. I already mentioned that I wasn’t able to sleep. I was thinking about people I’d like to meet next weekend back at home. So I was thinking of one person who I’ll mail in the morning and then I was thinking about the group the two of us hung around with way back then and it struck me there are a quite a few of the Saturday night cinema gang I’d like to see again and find out how they are doing. I suspect most of them don’t feel the same way. Anyway that brought me back to the whole “Resistance” stuff and full circle to that night out in Dublin with Rich and everything that came from that.
I think I like growing up. I certainly prefer me now than I was back then. I was believe it or not fairly naive and innocent (minds out of gutters) but I’ve learnt better, the hard way like we all have to eventually.
I’m guessing not many people will understand this posting fully, a couple should, one of them got a mail to come back so I could have her read a draft of the email but ’twas not to be. I don’t know who else from then reads this on a regular basis. No-one that I know of, I should change that for at least one person, if not a whole bunch of them.
Man, I do miss the simpler times. Now I’m spinning back in time to just before that and blue uniforms and a small wall next to a set of doors. You know I think I’m going to take my camera up there at the weekend and get a photo of somewhere that at the time was just a place to chat and eat lunch but now looking back is so much more to me.
I want to actually take photos this weekend. I want to share how special Dublin is to me and I know that sounds silly and I know I’m not going to be able to and I know I don’t want the pictures for me. Somethings I’ll never forget but somehow a picture will speak a thousand words and you’ll understand me when you see it.
God I hope that wall has not changed.
I’ve sent myself two emails while writing this to remind me to do stuff in the morning. They were to email someone, speak with my boss about a handover and put more business cards in my wallet. I always do the last when I’m going somewhere, just in case. I rarely use them but they are handy to have and if there are people that I run into, then I can just give them a card and hope to catch up.
God I just thought of someone I’d not talked to a long long time who I miss. Emma. She was a girl in college who in our second year we hit it off. We knew each other in first year but never really talked. We became really good friends in second year (no more) and I’d so love to be in touch with her again. I don’t have her number unfortunately. I lost it a long time ago. I don’t know how else to contact her and do you think I can remember her second name? Fuck no.
Although having just thought of that, I think I know someone who might and indeed I owe him an email. He’s in touch with a couple of the lads from college who might just have her details and that would just be awesome. Man I’m a really bad friend at times. Third email gone to myself to remind myself to do something. You know what else is funny about that? I just signed the email. Ha, you gotta laugh.
Man I don’t know where all that came from, it’s as if the floodgates of memory opened and it just started flowing. It feels right typing and I want to keep going. It’s going 4.15 in the am and I have to be up in 4 hours to go to work. I don’t feel tired, I feel fired up and like a lean mean typing machine…or not, my fingers are starting to get sore. Most of this is done at speed and boy have my typing skills come on. Barely any spelling errors so far and it’s all good. Shame other skills are not as easily developed.
I guess everyone will understand this, maybe not the details but the mesh of thoughts. Everyone has a past, everyone’s past comes back to them every now and again. It gets easier, sometimes it hits hard.
One of the things in the mail I sent was a reference to a friend who is no longer with us. For the first time since then it wasn’t that hard. I don’t think that sounds bad but I somehow feel that it should. It just wasn’t. He was on the list of people to be thanked, so he was. It’s good I think. It’s a bit of a downer but, jesus actually no. I don’t want to talk about this, I don’t want to try and justify it. It was easier to type out than it has been before and that’s that.
I’d like to post some song lyrics, it feels right but I don’t know what. The soundtrack right now is Echo & The Bunnyman’s The Killing Moon on repeat for the third time or so I guess something from that would do it but no. It’s got the actual music going for it at the moment, I’m not even paying attention to the lyrics.
Right now I’m so happy to have a computer with an internet connection and a blog to be able to spill this out onto. I guess I’d have fallen asleep by now but I think I prefer this way. No, I know I do. It’s not going to read very well in the morning for me and it’s more than I would normally go into, but right now this is me. As much of me as I can put down on paper.
I’m going to be annoyed now trying to think of her second name. When I try and concentrate on it now I come up against this block which isn’t painful but it kinda says stop thinking about it, if you think about it, it will never come back. H seems very prominent. I know it’s not Harris but that’s there for some reason, I don’t know why. Gah it’s going to annoy me a lot now. Hayes, it could have been Hayes.
Well, I guess that’s that. It is enough, don’t you think? I’m going to go and try and get some sleep now. I have a 10.30 meeting in the morning which is important and which I suspect I’ll be doing quite a bit of the talking at aswell as walking some people who are damn smarter then I through a bug and my solution. Somehow I see some coke in my future, early morning future that is.